MYSHKIN says:
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
I wonder what it's like to be a woman, and a good looking one at that.
Is it just me, or are guys progressively become more and more boorish in their behaviour? I've noticed with some alarm the increase in objectification of women through the media as well as in general public life. Maybe I'm seeing things through rose-coloured glasses, but I don't remember things being like this when I was a kid, seeing racy billboards and magazine ads as a matter of course. Gosh you probably couldn't guess that I'm only in my late 20's-- I sound like I'm in my 60's. But I've noticed behaviour amongst men (and boys) lately that really concerns me. What happened to genteel behaviour? What happened to the class and elegance that I think most decent women go for? Mr. Darcy anyone?
And, by golly, does that construction worker "hey mama" stuff actually work? If it does, why have I been wasting my time being civilized?
So I'm outside practicing with my girls this afternoon and God bless 'em, I know a few of them are attractive. But I guess I didn't know just how attractive they could be. As they were running some full-court drills some year 12 (17-18 year old) boys walked by the court and one of them said to one of my girls that "his friend thought she had a nice body." Say what? And when she told me this, she told me as though she was kind of used to it. I think the latter disturbed me more, as I began to realize the lot of pretty women just isn't great. Unless, of course, you have a protector-- which is why I turned and whipped the ball in my hand at those kids's feet as they went up the stairs to the bus stop. It didn't hit them, but it came close enough to get their attention. I yelled "sorry" as the ball rolled back to me, but I smirked impishly at them as if to say "not on your sorry-ass life, son."
I was appalled at their crude comments. All right, sure, we made some of the same comments in private when I was a kid, but that was in private. Even the worst of my teammates never would say junk like that, at least, not to the person's face. Be that as it may, the resignation with which women I know tend to take this sort of idiocy alarms me. I have a friend who, admittedly, looks like a gorgeous high-fashion model-- but it's one thing to notice and another thing to leer. The other day I was walking down into the Admiralty MTR with her when I caught a local guy in his early 40's just staring goggle-eyed at her. I tried to give him a hard look so he'd back off, but he was transfixed and didn't even notice me. My friend wasn't even dressed provocatively-- quite conservatively in fact-- and I don't think she noticed or else she's so used to it that it just goes like water off a duck's back. It left me feeling pretty creeped out and actually quite sorry for the lot of the female gender. It's like being groped by a person's eyes!
To be fair, I do notice these things. Sure I do. I'm not made of stone after all. But I do hope I'm a little more discreet than just letting my tongue loll onto the floor like some guys do.
Every time I see it happen I feel alternately like kicking the guy in the 'nads and apologizing profusely for all of maledom's base propensity for boorish behaviour. I wish I could find a stronger word than "boorish", but it's all I have in the literary arsenal at the moment.
Another friend of mine and I were in Tim Hortons (with her husband) and some kid walked by and brazenly said to her "you're hot" right in front of her husband. Now it's a good thing my friend's husband is a different man than he used to be-- he being a high-level black belt in shorin-ryu karate and a former gang member he probably would have dropped the kid without hesistation in the old days. But those were the old days. Instead my friend's husband just ground his teeth for a moment then laughed it off. Definitely the more appropriate (and legal) thing to do. I think I ended up feeling more offended by it than he was!
Women are so much nicer about it than men. When women smile at me or give me second looks (as rare as that may be) I feel like grinning from ear to ear and doing my Fonzie "eeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy" replete with double thumbs-up. When men do that to women I see women roll their eyes and give that "puh-leeze!" air that, well, I've probably seen too much for my own good in my lifetime.
It is clear at this point that I don't know exactly what I'm getting at other than to say that I'm appalled at the behaviour of men-- but I should probably not call them real men but only pale imitations of what a man could and should be. How sad a world is it when a woman's outward beauty becomes less an object of inspiration and enlightenment (and, to be completely corny, an object of praise for a Creator who delights in making beautiful people) and instead is twisted into some object of carnal desire. Sure that's how babies are made, but come on men, let's not embarrass ourselves so much by slobbering over people. In the end, they are not just mishmashed collections of body parts put together for your objectification and amusement, but these are real, living, breathing human beings with ideas, opinions, thoughts, hopes, and dreams just like you and me.
And for my sisters who have gotten the construction-worker treatment: allow me to apologize on behalf of all mankind. I hope you can forgive a hapless breed of inarticulate swine.
Posted 3/15/2005 at 6:34 AM
kh responds:
thank you for your good intentions. but, please, don't apologize. we take care of ourselves. teach your girls that--to take care of themselves--it's a cruel world, and there won't always be men like you around--so, uhh... properly socialized. Victorian, shall i say?
What i mean to say is, men have been appropriating our bodies for centuries. Some see us as the object of carnal desire, others see us as the object of inspiration and beauty. But the question is, how do i see my own body? Yes, it is true--we are virgin and whore, mother and monster. We negotiate amongst a plethora of identities, and sex is very much a part of our bodies. we are only beginning to liberate our bodies from centuries of role-playing, and this only begins with education and understanding.
For me, when i receive criticism or compliment, i understand that those comments say more about the speaker than they do about myself. I ask, "Which century are you from?" Knowing confidently how i'm percieved, i play with my audience (oh! so much fun!). I give a little, i take a little, i shock, and i use my body, i use my mind. I can play any role you ask me to. Unfortunately, that means i don't believe in an authentic self. but i am far too educated to believe in authenticity of any kind.
Posted 3/15/2005 at 4:03 PM by eckie2005
MYSHKIN responds:
It may be that my attitudes are "Victorian" but I am not ashamed nor am I prudish about sex, which more or less disqualifies me from being Victorian wouldn't you say? The worst thing about Victorian repression, in my limited worldview, is that it contributed to a festering and stagnation of morality, and yet there was a propriety to relationships that many would do well to learn from. Perhaps the missing element is more along the lines of respect-- which I feel is missing from many young men of today. I take issue with snothead year 12's who disrespect my girls and hopefully I've done the best I can to model appropriate behaviour for my boys and to teach as well as take care of my girls to be independent thinkers and to name crap when they see it.
However I would also say that the newfound "freedom" of womankind is often not freedom at all, but a more subtle slavery to the self that is just, if not more, damaging than subservience to the male gender because it dupes one into believing that one is free. Does sassiness equate wholeness? Does having the ability to manipulate others and then using it mean empowerment? Or does it only add to the imbalance?
Maybe I'm just pessismistic, but I don't think education is worth a lick in terms of determining whether self-authenticity is real or not. Having more academic knowledge does not mean one can truly begin to say anything about the state of one's soul-- it only allows us to make certain statements that may or may not be true depending on what the current scientific zeitgeist says. Knowledge has increased significantly over the centuries, and yet the balance of power between the sexes remains off kilter. Knowledge is power, true, but wisdom is the correct exercise of it. What I perceive to be the inner essence of all humans, male or female, is covered with veneers of our own and society's making, and perhaps these are the roles we end up playing in order to fit in. Yet I still believe in an authentic untouched self-- how could I not and still believe that God loves me as I am? There must be something about me that God desires, a self I do not yet know in its entirety. And I know only enough of God to say that this inner being could not possibly be the fraudulent self that so many of us put forth to conform and so be able to face our days and nights resting in a false security that says "hey, I'm ok."
I appear to have rambled. Thank you for your comment and visit! I look forward to hearing more from you again if I haven't offended you first.
Posted 3/15/2005 at 5:54 PM by myshkin
kh responds:
wow, thank you, speedy reply. this is interesting...
No, certainly not. Being “sassy” (and I do like the term) is no way for a lady to behave. And certainly, it is not meant for everyone. It requires some wit, and very thick skin. It speaks to my personality—a little bit of a glory hound. Is it destructive? Yes—a resigned-sort-of-yes, with a sigh. But what else can be done, if one were to participate in male centered discourse? We must subvert or challenge or “manipulate” what has been written—learn it, and learn it well, in order to break down and expose its many vested contradictions. We cannot start anew with a clean slate, being the historic beings that we are. We are given this history, these ideologies. And here I am, not bulldozing my way through, but making little (or big) alterations, here and there.
That is the role of many roles that I play. Am I trying to be a role model? Only if she chooses me.
As for you, men like you are awesome. Except (there’s always a catch), teach her to fight her own battles. As women, we must stand up for ourselves, and for our own, we can’t depend on other men. When you take on the role of a woman’s protector, all that she learns is that she must always needs a man. All that the offender learns, is to pick on more vulnerable women next time, one that has not already been claimed by a man. This becomes a battle between men, with women’s bodies becoming the site on which the battle is waged. When women can stand up for herself, that is when men (even the construction workers) will have to give her respect.
Men who disrespect women are really pitiable. They pick on the weak b/c they are weak, and for a moment, they just want to feel superior. Men like that are really easy to overcome. They expect an uncomfortable or intimidated response from women. And that is the one response women must not give. A simple, “You think I’m harmless?” will do. A deathly stare, a pitying glance, or challenge them to a game of basketball.
Posted 3/15/2005 at 9:56 PM by eckie2005
MYSHKIN responds:
I think I finally understand your line of thought. 'Tis true, girls need to be taught to show strength as well as be strong. So unfortunate that women who often show strength are often thought of as being 'bitchy', which of course, some people thrive on being called (even if for the simple distinction that they are strong.) I have Helen Reddy on my mind as I'm writing this: "I am strong...I am invincible...I am woman." That was an aside, but thanks for pointing out that yes, protection is nice but it can lead to weakness if one comes to rely on it. Too bad we can't trust people enough to be protectors in most situations.
Posted 3/16/2005 at 6:56 PM by myshkin
kh did not respond:
Myshkin has simplified my points. it's pointless to carry on.
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